“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.” 1 Thes 5:11-15

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-500368_162-57368448/moms-support-tied-to-childs-brain-development/

Not An Object In Need Of Correction

If a child doesn’t meet our requests, why automatically assume that they’re being defiant, instead of looking closely at the situation from the child's point of view?  Many times, a "defiant" child is simply tired, hungry, ill, or responding to an emotional wound.  Why overlook these possibilities in favor of thinking the worst about the child's personality?  As parents, it’s easy to fall into vicious cycles of blame and misbehavior, instead of stopping to give the child loving reassurance and security.  A child is a person.  Not an object in need of correction. 

A Strong Foundation

Why is one person a joy to be with, while another always seems to drag you down?

How we feel about ourselves directly affects how we act and self-image is how we view our self.  The lack of a good self-image is linked to behavior problems.  So, building confidence in a child is like building the foundation of a child's well-being. 

As a parent, you are the main source of a child’s sense of self-worth.  It’s important to assure your child they are someone who can make things happen and who is worthy of love.  Having healthy self-worth doesn't mean being narcissistic or arrogant.  It means understanding your own strengths, weaknesses and value as one of God’s image bearers.

Helping your child build self-confidence is another key to discipline since there is such a strong link between how a person feels about himself and how a person acts.  The way we value ourselves, get along with others, perform at work, and relate in marriage, stems from the strength of our self-image.

A parent’s responsiveness is the key to confidence à someone listens to me, therefore, I am worthwhile.  A child will be exposed to both positive and negative image builders. Parents have the power to expose their child to more positive than negative builders.  A stronger, positive self emerges. This prepares children to live in a world where attachment to, collaborating with, and caring about, other people is a natural part of life.

Throughout most of human history, all infants who lived had a nurturing mother. Breastfeeding was important not only because it provided the newborn with nourishment, but because it continued the attachment of mother and child after birth. This prolonged bond was the root of human sociability, and the nurturing response of the mother to her child became a model for human interaction.

Our storehouse of “positives” begins in infancy.  Children lacking this early sense of well-being struggle to find it.  Yet they are unsure of what they are looking for because they don't know how it feels.  The earlier building begins the better, but it's also never too late to start building up your child's confidence.  The same type of nurturing that builds the foundation of self-worth and self-confidence can also repair them.

Fears and Anxiety

Fear is a natural emotion.  Nearly everyone regardless of age has fears.  In general, childhood fears are normal and eventually outgrown.  For young children, the underlying fear of separation from the primary caregiver is most often the cause for early childhood fears. Many common fears in children, such as being afraid of the dark, are rooted in this separation anxiety. 

For young children who are just beginning to organize the world around them, monsters remain a real possibility. They are not entirely sure of what exists and what does not, so their imagination may run wild.  Older children learn to separate the real from the fictional. They begin to develop more socially-oriented fears. Older children become concerned about their grades, peers, popularity and bullying.

Nighttime is full of uncertainty for young children because it is often the only time they are alone. Without the presence of a parental figure, a child may not feel entirely safe. The dark is only one of the fears stemming from separation anxiety.  Young children also fear the unfamiliar and the unknown.  Sometimes separation anxiety will intensify when the family moves to a new neighborhood or children are placed in a childcare setting where they feel uncomfortable. 

For children of all ages, it is important that parents acknowledge anxieties and fears. Be understanding, stay with them and talk them through it.  Share your confidence that they are capable of not only handling this fear, but eventually overcoming it. It’s essential that the child believes you are confident in their abilities to handle situations. When you seem worried, they will become increasingly anxious.  Showing confidence goes a long way in combatting fears.  

No other single quality of parenting appears to be equally critical for overall growth and wellbeing of a child than parental empathy.  Empathy is critical to an adult’s understanding of a child.  It requires the “parent person” to consider the “child person” as an equal – not in intelligence, maturity or experience, but in respect to the needs and feelings that motivate every person.   A frightened child needs to be told they are loved and will be cared for.  They need hugs and encouraging words.  Never laugh at their fears or tease them about it. 

For younger children the key is routine.  Repetitive routines give a feeling of security.  If a child is afraid of the dark, ensure that bedtime is monotonous and un-exiting.  Every night the child should do the same activities in the same order.  For example, they should know that every night they take a bath, brush their teeth, read a book and go to bed.  Since many fears are manifestations of separation anxiety, calming routines will help a child feel safe, protected and loved.

“Strong-willed” or Counterwill?

Counterwill is what happens when you perceive someone else is trying to coerce you into doing something.  This is different from “will”, which concerns doing what is necessary to achieve your goals. Parents often say a child is “strong-willed” when what they are experiencing is counterwill. 


Parents may think their child is being “strong willed” or trying to manipulate them. Most often though, resistance is counterwill in action and indicates that something is wrong.

Understanding that counterwill is actually healthy for your child can change your view of resistance and lead to less stressful, more beneficial parenting.  Counterwill is a natural part of being human that is directly linked to your relationship with your child.  It is meant both to keep your child safe and to help to develop individuality.

Developmental studies have shown that the bond between parent and child is the most important factor in a child’s development and behavior. When a child is attached in a meaningful way, they want to follow their parents’ lead and will not be generally resistant.

The important thing a parent needs to know is that the connection between parent and child – their attachment - is not always “on”.   This means that if your child is currently focused on something or someone else, then their attachment is not “on” toward you at this moment.  A child is not meant to take direction from someone to whom he is not currently connected.  In these instances parents are much more likely to experience counterwill.

This confuses many parents because they have positive relationships with their children otherwise. They assume that this means their child should listen to them every moment because they are great parents.  But children are wired not to listen in certain situations – and this is key.

When our child is deeply attached to us this bond allows us to transmit our ways and values and guide them in a positive way while protecting the child from many incompatible messages and values by preventing them from listening to those to whom they are not attached. If a stranger walks up to your child at the park and asks the child to do something, the child is meant to say “NO!” because there is no attachment. Counterwill works with a child’s attachments by protecting from outside influence.

There is a wonderful way in which a child’s development is meant to unfold. It is unhealthy to completely get rid of all resistance in our child - that would be impossible and not very good for them. The goal is to make counterwill a much more manageable dynamic.

The counterwill also helps a child prepare for individuation by providing practice for one’s own thoughts and feelings.  During the preschool and kindergarten years, counterwill is much more apparent.  This is due in part to the young child’s brain development.  The part of their brain that helps them balance things out and see things from multiple perspectives has not fully developed. This makes counterwill more severe because a young child is more impulsive than reflective.

Counterwill is still present during adolescence. This is beneficial since adolescence is meant to be a time of diminishing parental influence. This doesn’t mean that parents cease to guide or connect though, because in some ways an adolescent needs us more than ever.

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The most important thing is not to let counterwill cause disruption in your relationship with the child. Do not take the resistance personally.  Remember counterwill is there for your child’s protection.  It is common for parents to react negatively doing things that make the resistance worse —using separation based discipline or taking things away from the child.  Counterwill is strongest when there is a lack of connection.  This means that more disconnection will only lead to more resistance.

Connect before you direct.

 
Do not assume the connection is there every moment.   Providing connection and closeness before asking a child to do something can bypass most resistance.  For instance, with a young child, sit near them and share in what they are doing - get connected.   Then gently guide them to what is next.

Some parents think they don’t have time to wait for the child to be connected.  However, if you consider how much time is spent dealing with the fallout of counterwill — the punishments and crying fits — you may find it’s a better alternative.  Understanding and dealing effectively with the counterwill is healthy for your relationship with your child.

Parents need to know that their child will normally follow their lead and requests.   It is important to understand that this works better when the child wants to listen to us.  A child well "connected" to a parent wants to follow their lead.

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  Children are not meant to take direction from those to whom they are not currently attached, and this serves to keep them safe.

When a parent is frustrated and reacting negatively to counterwill in a child, it makes parenting more difficult.   When a child is in a state of resistance, situations often become worse if we react with reprimands and punishments.

Frustration can be transformed when a parent understands this is a natural function meant to help keep children safe and to become a unique individual over time.
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Children Need Parent’s Connection

The need for connection and closeness with those we love is the greatest human need.  Our behavior  is largely determined by how well we are able to “attach” to those that we love and how well we are able to feel deeply connected, even while apart.  

When children have deeply rooted connections, they thrive.  When they feel alone or disconnected, they want to be connected.  They want not to be alone.  First, children seek “positive” attention from those they love.  If they cannot get positive attention,  they will seek attention any way they can—even if it is more “negative” attention.

The fear of separation, of not being connected to those who are most important to us, is so primary, that any connection is better than none.